Lately these two words describe me much more than I would like to admit. Oncoming winter is probably partly the reason, but really it's far bigger than that. I once had a friend tell me that I was lucky to be single as I had far more options (her partner later cheated on her and she was hooked up again within 6 months!). Really options are great, but I have said for a long time that I have too many options, in many respects I'd like to be tied to someone, and as scary as it is in some respects, having children takes care of about 20 years of having to decide what to do with your life. Of course you still have to do and find other things in your life - but there's a great socially acceptable thing that you're already engaged in which engages you with many others in the same situation and in that situation I think the other things are easier to find.
I'm really at a stage where I have no idea what I want to do with the next few years of my life, let alone the rest of my life. I'm lacking the passion and drive that I used to have, when I felt, not quite that the world was my oyster, but that I was going to have a great life and make a difference somehow. I don't want to sound completely down, but currently I tend to see this long life of emptiness stretched out in front of me.
I don't seem to be able to make decisions about anything. I have recently been doing some foster care training and watching all the couples (I was the only single person in there) who had already raised children of their own, made me question whether I have what it takes to be a foster carer and maybe more importantly whether I even want to do it. I love the idea of doing it with a partner, where all the responsibility doesn't rest on me and I have someone to share the highs and lows with. When I think about doing it alone, mostly I just feel like I'd rather go back to bed. So there's one good example of my ambivalence and lassitude, but to be honest it feels like the theme of my life at the moment. Will I ever feel passionate again?
Maybe the only thing I do feel a strong desire for is to find someone to share my life with....the answer to that from all the pop culture you read is to have a full and happy life doing the things you love and then you'll meet that partner. So if I'm to believe pop culture, I'm pretty shot on that front. So for now I just plod on trying to focus on small joys like walking my dog every day and completing some Uni assignments. I'm hoping some kind of shift may just slowly creep up on me when I'm not looking.