Saturday, 31 March 2012

My Bucket List

Since it seems I won't become a mother now, I have decided to do a bucket list of other things I'd like to do in my life....this list is valid for today only, for tomorrow it may change....
  • Travel to Burma (hopefully at the end of this year)
  • Have a partner who I love and who loves me (lots of other ones related to this)
  • Get paid to write something
  • Go on an overseas holiday with my partner, would be so nice to not travel alone for once
  • Work overseas with my partner (having done a fair bit of this I'd love to share it with someone)
  • Go on a road trip through southern USA
  • Live in an environmentally friendly house in the tropics
  • Do some more work in the Pacific (especially PNG - love that country) - perhaps teaching psychology (when and if I become qualified and experienced enough to teach)
  • Work part time either for myself or in a business with said partner
  • Renovate another home - this time with that partner (yep he's going to be busy)
  • Travel in southern India
  • Have some wonderful sensual regular sex, ideally with that elusive partner
How about you, what's in your childfree bucket lists?

Sunday, 25 March 2012

My meditation group

Today I bravely went along to a new meditation group held at someone's house.  There were only 3 of us there, but it was good, not excellent or life changing but good.  The lady taking the session was lovely, at one stage she was talking about her 18 year old son and how he didn't want to do anything around the house.  I said "sounds like an 18 year old to me", she smiled and said "do you have kids?".  I felt the normal tightness in my chest start, but then I smiled and actually feeling okay, I said "No".  She looked a bit awkward but I was smiling and she was okay and amazingly so was I.  I actually said to myself  "and you know what I'm glad I'm not dealing with your 18 year old son, I have enough in life to deal with as it is".  I'm not saying this is a total change in my attitude but it was good to get through that moment and feel that it was okay, who knows what the next moment will be like....

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Gratitude post

I'm feeling particularly down today, so rather than wallow in it I've done my best to try and find some things to be grateful for....

  • I have a good car that is nice to drive and am about to embark on a drive from Canberra to Melbourne.
  • I have friends who arranged a date for me with one of their friends – looks like it won’t go anywhere, but at least they made the effort.
  • I have a beautiful dog that I love with all my heart.
  • I have a friend I could ring at 11pm last night – crying because I don’t think this potential relationship is going anywhere and I still allow myself to get too invested in these things.  He listened and didn't make me feel like an idiot.
  • I have nice hair with a good haircut - yep got it done for my great date!
  • I had a man who was interested enough in me to readjust his schedule in order to see me twice over the weekend.
  • I have discovered melatonin to help me sleep when I’m feeling down and too upset to sleep.
  • I feel I sometimes have the ability to see into another person’s heart and thus I have the potential for a very loving and close relationship.
  • Although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, I must have resilience as I have just put myself out there once again – despite the constant pain.
  • I still have a tiny weeny bit of hope that one day I’ll develop a loving relationship with a partner, who loves and accepts me foibles and all.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

A history of clinging

I confess I have a history of clinging - this includes both pulling pleasant things towards me and pushing unpleasant things away.  Rick Hanson talks about clinging in a psychological sense having a feeling of tension and obsession.  I have a date coming up with someone who I'm attracted to, I hear he is also interested in me - but we have only met briefly.  I've really gone out on a limb here as he lives interstate so I'm travelling to stay with the friends who introduced us. 
As my date draws closer I find myself being obsessed that this has to work out or I'll be devastated, this creates huge tension inside me, both fear and hope.  So as my date approaches I'm trying to be aware of those feelings, not beat myself up for feeling them, but to be aware.  Then to slowly try and release my attachment to the outcome.  One way I can do this is to try and live in the moment try to notice the here and now rather than obsess about the future or if it doesn't work out to be devastated by the past.  In the moments when I can focus my attention on the present it works reasonably well for me - but they are just moments.  The idea of not being attached to the outcome I find more difficult.   According to Rick I can be fiercely and energetically committed to something without being attached to the result.  So yes I do want a loving and intimate relationship in my life and I am working to achieve that goal, but if this isn't it then I guess there are other things in my life.  Right now I am safe sitting in bed, typing with my dog sleeping next to me, I don't need to be anxious.  Life is okay.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

I'm in love with Stephen Fry

I know that by his own confession he is 90% gay and there is a far greater than 90% chance that I'll never meet him.  However I do, surprisingly, have something in common with Caroline Oulton, one of the two women he has been attracted to - we have both conceived via a sperm donor - alas she succeeded in producing a baby and I haven't (well not as yet anyway).  In reality I'm probably happier loving Stephen Fry from afar anyway.  So sending you my love and admiration Stephen, from a perhaps somewhat brash Australian xx
P.S. I'm well aware that I'm in a non-elite group of 4 million plus, but just putting it out there...

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Identifying my STRENGTHS

I have been reading a lot lately about how to find love.  A number of articles have suggested that when you are in periods where you feel lonely and are yearning for love and more friendship it's a good time to work on yourself.  So I am engaging with that advice.  I am completing my studies - whether I want to work in this area I don't know - but now is not the time for big decisions.  My body is depleted, exhausted and I need to nurture myself.  Apart from my formal studies my personal studies have included identifying my strengths - positive psychology tells us that it's a far easier path to happiness to know and build on your strengths rather than try to change your weaknesses.  In fact I have been told that life is too short to become strong in your weaknesses - I'm not sure that I agree 100% with that, but I do see the good in building on strengths.  So using this exercise I have identified that my strengths are:

Analytical - I am a problem solver and I challenge people (at times incessantly), no doubt this can be annoying, but apparently it's also a strength!
Learner - I am a researcher (resource investigator), I'm like a ferret with it and often the outcome of the learning is less significant than the getting there.
Relater - This is a key aspect of my personality - I require intimate, deep and genuine friendships - at the extreme end of this 'strength', I find it hard to meet new friends and survive the getting to know you stage, in order to build the depth that I yearn for.  I am truly happy with a few close friends and partner - alas I don't have enough of any of these at the moment.
Empathy/Insightful - I don't know that I do this with everyone, probably more with the underdogs in our society.  I do volunteer work with men in a forensic mental health hospital and I feel such empathy for some of the men there I want to hug them.
Responsibility - I am dependable and feel emotionally bound to do what I say I'll do, I can become very disappointed and upset when others don't show me the same courtesy - but this is about STRENGTHS. 
Competition - this is the one that put me over the limit of five and I was going to leave it out - I see my competitiveness as the root cause of so much of my jealousy, envy, bitterness and unhappiness (I am fixated with others performance - they're success at having a family when I have failed etc etc.) - but I can also see that it is in some respects what gives me hope and keeps me going.  Somehow I'll do better than them in some other way.....I can hardly write that without cringing - it seems so wrong, but it's on the list as a strength.
Living simply and keeping things simple - this wasn't on the list but it's a core belief of mine and I had to include it.  No matter how much I earn I always maintain my simple lifestyle. Yes, I know, I'm now up to seven.

What are your strengths??  I'd love to know.